


On Hairpulling, Coffee Stains and Other Lesser Evils

by Sole_Sakuma



Series: Such a Hot Mess [5]
Category: Arashi - Fandom, JE - Fandom, KAT-TUN - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-01
Updated: 2009-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-03 07:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sole_Sakuma/pseuds/Sole_Sakuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Between the secrets they keep and the lies they won't say, Jun and Kame fumble towards something. Maybe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Like Someone in Love

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my betas: [](http://www.livejournal.com/users/matsukatsu/profile)[**matsukatsu**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/matsukatsu/), [](http://www.livejournal.com/users/littlealex/profile)[**littlealex**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/littlealex/) and [](http://www.livejournal.com/users/ungalad/profile)[**ungalad**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/ungalad/). Girls, you're all awesome!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jun does groceries, Kame shows up unexpected and bickering occurs.

As the last sunrays of the day lazily turn the city a warm shade of orange, Jun buys his groceries like always. Pasta, his favourite brand of shampoo, a bottle of wine and some chocolate cake. It's a little early still and the supermarket is oddly deserted. He takes his time, because he never gets the chance to waste it and it feels liberating.

He walks home, stupid as it might be, because he likes those last moments of the afternoon, that last breath of a day. He never gets to see it, much less to feel the soft warmth on his skin as he travels through the carefully chosen empty streets and pretends nobody knows who he is.

His house is clean but not cold, even if it's barely lived-in. Some spots show the signs of Jun's habits: an empty ashtray, a faint floral scent, a misplaced lonely shirt, some carefully folded newspapers, one worn book.

He cooks himself something simple but delicious. By the time he starts setting the table, night has already engulfed the city and neon lights can be seen in the distance, blinking and lighting up the horizon. When he picks up two dishes instead of one, he realizes he's made more food than he can eat. He briefly considers calling Sho or Nino (Aiba and Ohno are never full enough) but since they've probably had dinner already, he decides against it.

He spends about twenty minutes playing with his food. If it's any colder, it will be inedible but for some reason, he's not hungry at all.

He's thinking of freezing it when someone rings and he trips all the way to the door. He slams it open and stares at the hallway, expectantly. The floor is cold against Jun's bare feet but he doesn't notice it.

'Hey,' Kame says while leaning awkwardly against the wall and holding a grocery store bag in his left hand.

'Kame? What are you doing here?'

'Eh. It's okay if you want to rest, I can go.'

'Oh, no, stay, stay please. But you should come in, my feet are getting cold.'

Jun holds the door open for Kame. He knows he's smiling like an idiot but so is Kame.

They linger in the dark entryway, both of them leaning awkwardly against the wall now. Jun looks at his shoes and then at Kame's. Then, he finally leans in and kisses Kame.

'Hi,' he says against his lips.

'Idiot.'

Kame weakly pushes him away and Jun clenches his fists, but Kame's smile is open and tells a different story.

Jun moves away and Kame starts to take off his coat. He already knows his way around the apartment and hangs it without even asking.

'Why are you here, then?'

'We were doing a photo shoot and it was near so…'

Kame shrugs as if it wasn't a lie and takes off his shoes.

'Oh. The one for Potato?'

Kame nods and Jun wonders for the umpteenth time why did someone ever

consider potatoes adequate for idols. They're not exactly the most delicate vegetable out there, after all.

'What did you buy?' says Jun as he points to the bag.

'Oh, some wine. That one you bought the other day.'

'Good then, I was just about to eat.'

'Oh. I was hoping you could fix me something quick. I haven't eaten yet.'

Jun is already serving Kame's dinner and he smiles smugly.

'I already did.'

'Uh? Were you expecting me?'

Kame sits down and closes his eyes, emitting a dreary aura. The same aura as always, Jun muses with something akin to concern.

'Nah, I just cooked too much food.'

'If you were waiting for someone, I can go. I don't want to intrude.'

Now he's sitting upright and stiffly and he's stopped playing with his keys. Jun sighs.

'Kame, you can stay. You can always stay,' Jun says and he's aware of how

tired he sounds.

Kame relaxes and Jun sits down too, now finally able to eat. He doesn't want to think about what that implies.

'Guess what? Tomorrow's my day off,' he says. If he talks, he won't think.

'I know. Mine too.'

'What a coincidence.'

'Yeah, weird, uh? My manager changed it and didn't tell me until today.'

'Well, there probably was some schedule problem.'

'Yeah, I guess.'

Kame is absentmindedly eating his food. Jun feels his eyes fixed on him and bites his lip.

'Is it any good?'

'It's delicious as always. You made this last week, didn't you?'

'You remember?'

'Of course. Why wouldn't I?'

Jun shrugs.

'I don't know. It's nothing special, isn't it?'

'I think it's delicious.'

'You've already said that.'

'And you're fishing for compliments, so I can repeat myself.'

'I'm not.'

'You are. I can tell because you know perfectly well you're good at this.'

'That's just because you don't eat much; if you knew about food…'

'I eat, Jun, I'm eating right now and really, it's delicious. It always is.'

'OK. But it needs just a little more salt.'

'You sound just like my grandmother.'

'Ouch. That hurt.'

'She fishes for compliments too.'

'OK, shut up now and eat.'

'I'm eating.'

'That's not eating. I'd be worried about you stunting your growth if you weren't already so tiny.'

'I'm not tiny. I could play a boxer, you know?'

'The whole 'fly' category is not literal.'

'Look who's talking.'

'Just so you know, I'm stronger than I look.'

'So you can actually carry your groceries?'

'Yeah, and I can carry you and half of KAT-TUN if I wanted to.'

Kame laughs and now there's a twist in Jun's throat. He swallows it down and now it's the proverbial butterflies in his stomach. The stupid proverbial butterflies that Jun swore didn't exist.

'You can't even carry me, Jun. you're as thin as a twig.'

'Let's make a bet then. If I carry you to the bed, you're my slave for a week after I come back.'

'How many times do I have to tell you I'm not into that kind of stuff?'

'I didn't mean it like that. I just get to make you anything I want… and

you don't get to lie either. You'll have to answer everything I ask you.

Everything.'

He curses under his breath because he's more impatient than he thought, more wistful that he wants to let on. He's parading his hand of cards around and that's neither wise nor characteristic of him.

Kame remains silent and Jun's starting to get scared. So when Kame just cocks his head slightly and stares at him with arrogance, he relaxes. Nothing has changed, for now.

'And if you lose, you'll cook for me for a month.'

'I already do that, so it's a deal. Now, do you want to finish eating or should we start?'

He stands up and gets closer to Kame, who laughs out loud. Maybe nervously, maybe condescendingly, probably both, Jun thinks.

'You're going to sprain your ankle, Jun, you shouldn't do this.'

'Words cannot stop me.'

\---

After falling off two or three times and almost spraining his ankle about ten times, Jun carries out his threat. He lets himself fall to the bed and he regains his breath slowly as he looks at the ceiling.

'Idiot,' he hears just beside his ear.

'I told you I could do it.'

'It was just an excuse to bring me here.'

'Like I need an excuse for that.'

Kame grabs Jun's arm and lays his forehead against Jun's shoulder.

'Let's sleep,' he whispers.

'Hey, I wanted sex tonight.'

'It'll have to wait. I'm falling asleep as we talk.'

Jun laughs quietly and turns to look at Kame. They're eye to eye right now

and Jun feels relieved that he's not the only one smiling like a loon. Shared misery is contentment for the fools and he's been a fool since he can remember.

As he kisses Kame's neck, Kame starts to fall asleep.

'I'm going on a tour tomorrow night. Will you help me to pack?'

'If you want me to.'

'Of course I do.'

Kame suddenly covers Jun's mouth with his hands and it's like getting the worst grade in your favourite subject.

'Stop with the kissing already.'

Jun stops right on his tracks and gnashes his teeth.

'Why? You like my kisses, even if you don't want to admit it.'

Kame's forehead now rests in Jun's shoulder and his fingers grip Jun's shirt.

'I do like them but you're making me all sleepy.'

'You were already tired and there's nothing wrong with sleeping, believe or not. So let me make you sleep, it's obvious you need it.'

'You always know what I need, don't you?'

Jun can't parse Kame's tone - sardonic or fond, cynic or caring - and the only time he ever feels this scared before opening his mouth is when he forgets his lyrics in the middle of a show.

After a pause, he ends up going with his classic detached style because he could be wrong, after all, and maybe Kame has just intended to shrink his ego a little bit. After all, Kame's not the type for heartfelt confessions. Neither is he.

'I'm always right. About everything.'

Kame stifles a yawn while he chuckles and the resulting sound is so cute -and so stupid too- that Jun feels the urge to just hug him and never let go.

He contents himself with softly brushing his fingers against Kame's back, though, and then suggests Kame brushes his teeth.

'Can I use your toothbrush?'

'That's disgusting.'

'I know. I want to do it anyway.'

Kame rests his head against Jun's shoulder and closes his eyes. Jun is quite sure he should take a picture, because this is an rare, almost unique chance.

'You're asleep already, aren't you?' he says.

'Almost.'

'It's a good thing you're so self-aware.'

'Idiot.'

'You love me and you know it.'

Kame abruptly opens his eyes and pushes him away. He's been jolted awake, Jun thinks, and he can't help but to admit that Kame is right in calling him an idiot at every opportunity.

'I'm going to the bathroom,' Kame says and he doesn't even bother to hide the fact that he's pissed off. Jun would like to think that Kame can't hide it anymore, but Kame has spent most of his life playing with smoke made of words and mirrors made of lies.

Jun manages to smile instead of sighing, because tonight he doesn't want to get caught in their particular soap opera.

'Just don't use my toothbrush. I'd rather deal with your bad breath.'

Kame snorts from the bathroom.

'Your choice. My bad breath isn't that bad anyway.'

'You say that just because you're used to it.'

'It's just not that bad, almost non-existent. Ask anybody. They'll tell you.'

'Kame, I'll have you know that I'm perfectly well-acquainted with your morning breath. It's smacked me in the middle of the face right after I woke up more than once.'

'It's not that bad and you have bad breath too,' Kame shouts over the shower noise.

'You're having a shower? Without asking me? You never forget to ask.'

Kame opens the door and smiles. 'I'm asking now!'

Jun feels like punching him. He settles on sarcasm because he doesn't think Kame's going to understand his punches as Arashi does.

'Great. It's good to see you can learn.'

Kame rolls his eyes.

'You always say yes, so I figured I'd save us some time.'

Kame closes the door again and Jun lies on the bed, counting seconds and minutes and hours and eons. Kame's shower takes less than that and he's walking into the bedroom again. His hair is wet but he still looks exhausted. He's covered himself in an oversized towel and Jun's bathroom's probably a wet mess, but he doesn't particularly care.

'Did you use my shampoo?'

'It smells of strawberries.'

'I know, it's awesome.'

Kame frowns.

'It's not awesome, it's girly. Like everything you do,' he says and throws Jun the towel, as he rummages through his drawers. 'Can I borrow something? I don't want to sleep in the nude.'

'But I was hoping for it.'

'It's still too chilly to do it.'

'I'll consider that a promise, then. Summer is going to be great. And yes, you can borrow whatever you want. I even think that some of your stuff is lying around in my closet.'

'Then it's not borrowing.'

'Actually, since I really like your stuff, we're around the same size and it's already here, I'd say it qualifies as borrowing.'

'Remember me to never lend you a book.'

'Books should not be lent. Nor returned.'

'My point exactly.'

Jun snorts to make clear exactly how much he doesn't care and then laughs.

'I don't need your books anyway. They're probably too superficial for me.'

'I've seen your library, Mr. Potterfan, so I'm not impressed.'

Kame's voice is muffled by the black T-shirt he's putting on. It says 'SUGARLESS LOVE' in bright, bold letters and Jun barely recalls it being a hand-me-down joke gift from Matsuoka.

'Hey, at least I can read. It's more than I can say about some of your fellow bandmates.'

'They can read. I think.'

Jun laughs.

'You're so charming.'

'You wouldn't like me any other way.'

'Yes. I like you just the way you are. Spiky, icy and forever unyielding.'

It manages to come out both more longing and harsher than he meant it - his inability to control his voice seems to be a constant lately. Kame darts him a frightened look over his shoulder.

'I'm not like that.'

Jun stands up and walks firmly towards Kame. He corners him against the wall, intense and aching, confident and demanding.

'Maybe. I just know I like you, Kame. But do you like me? Even a little, under all the insults?'

'You're a fucking idiot.'

Kame pushes him away - he's much stronger than he looks- and Jun staggers and falls to the bed. He ends up sitting on the edge of his own bed while Kame throws himself against it. Jun can feel a wall growing between them but he's been laying siege on Kame for a long time now and he's not about to surrender.

'Whose fault is that?' he hisses.

'I know the answer to that one: mine. It's always my fault, isn't it? Nobody else is ever responsible. You and everybody else are just victims of my evil mind games because you're as innocent as a Junior.'

'Fuck you.'

He sees the carpet between his toes and feels the squashy texture, sees the rich colours. It's too soft for his tastes and he's actually planning on changing it but now it feels like a waste.

'Fuck you too.'

'Do you even care?'

Kame sighs and turns off the lights.

'I'm too tired for this, Jun. Can you keep the drama for tomorrow, please? I'll even let you be right. Just let me sleep.'

'That's your answer then?'

'Yes, my answer is that you should calm the fuck down and just come to bed.'

Kame hasn't faced him yet. Jun waits several more minutes before taking off his shirt and throwing it against the wall. He lies next to Kame, knowing perfectly well that he's awake and playing dumb. After all, he remembers clearly how Kame's breathing sounds when he's asleep, because he's a creep that has watched Kame sleep more than once.

'Good night,' he finally lets out.

Kame doesn't reply. Jun's hand crawls through the mattress but never close enough to touch Kame's body. After all, warmth is not necessary and he's used to chilliness - lukewarm is more than enough.


	2. Cartography for beginners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Arashi is on tour, Kame pretends not to care and bickering by phone occurs.

Kame's only wish is that nobody notices his longing, wandering looks, his yearning sighs, and above all the steady worsening of his temper. He's slipping, drowning in annoyances and lost patience, one day away from throwing a lifelong tantrum. He conceals his emotions and tries to give excuses. _My shower didn't work this morning. I hadn't eaten yet. My baseball team lost last night._ So when Nakamaru sits down next to an almost sleeping Kame one morning, Kame pretends not to suspect anything.

'Hey, is that your music player?'

Kame nods before dozing off.

'Can I borrow it?'

Kame, without even thinking, puts it in Nakamaru's hand. The sheer impulsiveness of it surprises Nakamaru, and that fact is not lost on Kame. Not only that, Nakamaru looks like he's just realized how to cure insomnia. He then sighs with relief and smiles at Kame before leaving.

'I made a playlist for you,' he says the morning after. 'To thank you for lending me your music player.'

'You had it? Why did you take it?' Kame says, and his dark-circled eyes   
dart at Nakamaru. Nakamaru squirms in his seat.

'Kame, you gave it to me yesterday.'

'Really?'

'Really.'

Kame laughs like he's just realized he's been in the madhouse all this time and takes his music player back.

When he arrives home, Kame is too tired to think, but he checks the playlist nevertheless. It's an odd mix of J-pop novelties, rap classics and rock oddities with the occasional calming New Agey track thrown in, plus some extremely alienating techno stuff. He finds himself listening to the flawless vocals of _Yabai Yabai Yabai_ over and over in his dense insomniac nights.

 

In Jun's mind, hotel rooms are always an odd mix of beige and yellow. This one is no exception and the bedcover even has ugly floral print. It may be morning already and beyond the blinds people are moving, talking, eating, living and all Jun wants to do is sleep for a week, for a year and be home when he wakes up. So he stays in bed and covers his face with the bed sheets.

Duty finally takes the best of him and he doubtfully takes out an arm and then a leg. He reminds himself that he's a morning person, that he likes the energy a new day brings, but each tendon, each joint in his body wants to give in to exhaustion. He's mortgaging his youth to get a quick fix of fame and fortune and his body aches in protest even as he showers and gets dressed.

When he gets out, a mess awaits him. He slowly starts picking up all his clothes and the random bits of home he's brought with him. He carefully folds the T-shirt he's worn to sleep and reminds himself that it wasn't on purpose. He just packed that stupid T-shirt because he forgot to give it back to Kame and, when you're so asleep you literally run into walls, it's easy to mistake items of clothing. Especially if your closet seems to have suffered an invasion of somebody else's clothes.

Besides, it's not like he sleeps with it every night like a girl. Like a   
very silly girl that'd die if Nino ever found out.

 

Kame is a fixed point in the middle of the green room. Lunches expectantly sit on the table and even while people run and scream around him, all he can do is silently contemplate their colours and their textures, the subtle interplaying of smell and presentation. He fills his mind with aesthetic pleasure and mundane sensations so there's no space left for anything else.

He tries to guess which is whose and can not but envy Koki's Italian food. Kame's looks dull by comparison, and Koki's never liked Italian food, so Kame is sure he won't mind if he just eats a little bit. He makes sure nobody is paying him any notice and then dives in. The ravioli are perfect and the sauce is not acid, but not sweet either. He finishes it in record time and then eats his lunch, munching like it's a chore. After all, food has always been a necessity that can be pleasurable and not a needed pleasure, like too many things in his life.

 

'We're here,' his manager mumbles and Jun opens half an eye. They're still in the van, and they've apparently arrived somewhere. He hopes for a second that it's home, but he soon recovers and gets out of the car. The stars still shine, and Jun mutters that hotels should have become 'home' already. His manager's worry is palpable, and Jun chuckles and reassures him that he's alright. There's nothing wrong, nothing that sleeping won't cure.

'I don't want to share a room with Jun,' Nino says and he even sounds serious.

'I'm too tired for your games, and you know we won't share a room anyway. Can you drop it already?'

'It's not a game! I can't let this one slide. We let you get away with everything, but I'm tired of it.'

'Shut up, Nino, just shut up! I don't need your chirping annoying voice right now, OK?'

He leaves them behind and can feel the warmth of their caring looks on his back, but he doesn't care.

It's the first time in years Jun wakes up in a hotel room alone, and when he leaves his room, Nino and the others are still asleep. Only Ohno is sitting at their breakfast table, even though the sun is high in the sky. There's more food than five men can eat, and the variety is stunning. He should come back to this hotel sometime, probably with company. He doesn't think the guys would appreciate it though, so he must think of somebody else.

'You snapped at Nino yesterday, Jun,' Ohno says instead of _Good morning_. 'Don't do it again.'  
'I always do that. He likes it. It's just a game. There's nothing to worry about'

'It wasn't a game, and we're worried. We shouldn't need to tell you that you don't get to punch us for real.'

Jun swallows. He's seen the bruise in Nino's ribcage, and Aiba hasn't helped to ease the guilt by keeping a constant eye on its evolution. Guessing the shade may be a fun traveling game, but he doesn't need the reminder.

'It was just a bruise. I miscalculated my strength.'

'That's not like you.'

'Maybe it is. Maybe I'm not who you think I am.'

Ohno sighs and starts eating a bagel. They both eat in silence until it's time to leave for some activity Jun doesn't even remember.

As they pick food for the rest of the group, Ohno speaks again:

'Just get a grip. We'll be back in no time. You can wait until then, can't you? He'll be waiting.'

Jun barely avoids hitting Ohno as well.

 

The hairdresser is clearly stressed and the make-up artist has already left the room, tired of dealing with the prissy prima donna Kame is intent on being.

'It's not like I can fix that skin of his!' he hears her complain and instinctively looks at the mirror. He decides he doesn't look worse than Akanishi after somebody's birthday and shrugs his shoulders.

'When are you going to finish? I'm on a tight schedule.'

'I'm sorry, Kamenashi-san. It's going to take longer than expected.'

He shrugs again and his mind is left unchecked, wandering from yesterday's dinner to tomorrow's interview. He thinks about his new shoes, his old jeans he's had to throw away and that really awesome band Nakamaru put on his music player. He wonders how Arashi's tour is going and whether he should go to the party he's invited to on Friday. He shouldn't, because he's exhausted and getting drunk is never good for him.

The hairdresser finishes after a while and Kame hates the styling but manages to keep his composure. It's nothing important, after all. He's just going to grace magazine covers looking like he hasn't showered since TV was all black and white.

At least the rest of KAT-TUN looks worse. Who knows why fans buy the magazines when they seem to have come out of bed fifteen minutes before the shoot.

He snaps out of his reverie and joins them with a smile so fake, it's like plastic on his mouth. And now he's supposed to be concentrating in the photo shoot, but Ueda keeps blocking him with his head.

'I'm sick of eating your hair, Ueda. Can't you be more careful?' he hisses.

Ueda looks at him with disdain and then turns to the camera again.

'I'll try, but my hair is not the reason you're fading into the background. That's all your fault.'

The worst part is not that Ueda is ruining the shoots, it's that Ueda's hair also smells of strawberries. Kame will always maintain that he just took Ueda's shampoo by accident

 

Jun's trying to read a mystery book about a plucky girl detective, but Nino is playing some game and Aiba is loudly proclaiming each tiny little achievement.

'I might be trying to read here,' he says as he throws them a pillow.

'No, you're not. You're just sulking with a book in your hands. We can   
tell.'

Jun closes the book as if he were closing the door to Hell and leaves the room. He wants a quiet and safe place to smoke, so he ends up sprawled in his room's bathtub, feeling ridiculous but contented.

Aiba enters the room sooner than needed and Jun gets ready to leave, but Aiba shakes his head so he doesn't.

'You are sulking, don't bother to deny it.'

Jun defiantly picks up his book again.

'That's not going to work. We'll annoy you until you do something about it, mark my words.'

'You don't need to warn me, I know how you get.'

'Then why don't we skip this?'

'Because I don't feel like it.'

Aiba sighs.

'It's as good a reason as any, I guess. Is there place in that bathtub for   
a handsome fellow?'

'I only see one in the mirror,' Jun says and smiles. But even as Aiba talks about some wild animal he's worked with on his show _ like always-, something feels fake about the whole thing.

 

Kame puts the book on his face and stays still. He really, really wants to fall asleep feeling the tender sun, but he feels someone sit beside him and peeks. Jin is there, manipulating Kame's phone.

'I told you to stop messing around with the games, Jin.'

'I'm not doing that.'

'Then stop taking photos of your nostrils. It's embarrassing when I have to explain why there are pictures of your body parts in my phone.'

'You never gave explanations to anybody before.'

'You're not the only one that messes around with it.'

'Who else does it?'

Kame makes a pause before doubtfully answering:

'People.'

Jin sighs and puts the phone on Kame's hand.

'You're supposed to be the smart one, so call him and stop this nonsense.'

Kame briefly considers playing dumb, but it won't fly so he decides to   
annoy Jin until he leaves.

'I don't want to and I won't.'

'It's getting stupid, you know? How you sigh and whine. Plus you stole Ueda's shampoo, and the other day you ate Koki's lunch. We're still   
puzzling over the reason why. We guess it's him.'

'Why?'

'Because this has never happened before,' Jin says and Kame realizes that Jin's tone has been annoying him so much because it sounds like he's been keeping a tab, an astronomical and illogical tab that doesn't even include the tip.

'Really? So it's not only me then?'

He curses under his breath afterwards and damns himself to oblivion because he's letting his guard down, and he's promised to never ever let his guard down in front of Jin again.

'Tell me. You can trust me.'

'Oh, really?' he snaps and suddenly sits upright, defying Jin to keep digging his own grave.

'Yes, really. You can trust me, at least more than you can trust anybody else.'

And it's sad because it's true, because Kame still hasn't got any closer friends than Jin, and Jin's hardly a friend anymore.

'Look, I ate Koki's lunch because… because I was hungry and it looked tasty enough. And I've already said that Ueda's shampoo was an accident.'

'Look, just call him, will you? I don't feel like doing this.'

'Then don't! Stop feeling responsible for me, will you? I never asked you to!'

'You just can't bear to make things easy for anybody, can you? You're worrying everybody, so call him.'

'It's not my fault you're so nosy. Besides, this is not my fault. He's too busy to call me, so I'm too busy to call him'

'Fine, then. If you want to be a kid, be a kid, but stop annoying us, will you? Stop annoying me, because I didn't ask for this conversation either.'

Jin's voice is now an ode to resignation, begging and plain martyrdom, but Kame can only afford to give in a little bit.

'I swear, Jin, it's got nothing to do with him. He's just on a tour and too busy to call. I don't want to bother him, okay? It'll be a waste of time. Plus I already told you I don't want to do it.'

'Don't lie. You want to and you will. He'll be thrilled, I'm sure.' Jin makes not so much of an awkward pause but a pause to let awkwardness catch up. 'It's always nice when you get a call from home.'

_But he is home,_ Kame thinks. _**They** are his home. And I am not._

 

While the TV blabbers on and his body recovers a little from the concert, Jun sprawls all over the bed. He knows that Ohno is somewhere in the same room even with his eyes closed. Bored out of his mind, he checks his phone again, then smashes it against the wall.

'You could've broken it,' Ohno says as he gives it to him.

'So?'

'So you wouldn't be able to call him.'

'He doesn't want me to.'

'What makes you say that?'

'He told me he'd be busy,' Jun lies and doesn't feel guilty because it's the kind of lie nobody ever believes. 'Besides, I don't call everybody I've slept with.'

'In order to do that, you'd need the whole phonebook. And you're not sleeping with Kame. You've been dating for months, remember?'

Why is Nino there too? Have they staged an intervention? They've probably have the conversation planned and rehearsed too.

'It's not dating,' Jun answers.

'Oh, if you're just friends that go to the movies and then have sex, spare us the replay the next day, will you? And Sho can already tell you which position Kame likes the best, so don't try to deny it.'

'Even then, we're not like that, Nino.'

Jun sits on the bed and sighs. Nino shakes his head.

'What did you do last time you spent time together?'

Jun frowns. He doesn't want to remember and doesn't want to give in to Nino's obvious provocations.

'I think we stayed at home… the day before we started the tour. He showed up, I made dinner. We fell asleep and he left in the morning.'

'I guess you're not dating then.' Nino takes a pause to savor his soon to be victory.'You're _married_.'

Jun stabs him with his eyes and says nothing.

'Jun, he never gave the keys back to me. Is he using them?'

Nino's voice is now that kind of weird sweet tone he sometimes uses, the one that doesn't fit him at all. Or maybe it fits him too well and Jun can't resist it. It takes the truth out of him.

'Sometimes he works late, you know? And he lives too far away and…'

'So he's getting into your house when you're asleep.'

'Not always.'

It's not until Sho finally breaks his silence that Jun notices both him and Aiba have arrived to his room too.

'Jun, call him, will you? Spare us this conversation because we don't want to explain to you why we're worried.'

'It's just that… I'm not… I'm not, I swear I'm not, you know.'

He trails off and Nino rolls his eyes before speaking.

'You are, so much it's ridiculous.'

'Can we stop talking?'

'Yes, we can, because we're all going to sleep right now,' says Sho as he stands up.

They leave his room, but twenty minutes later _ as he's trying to sleep, counting designer brands- Aiba jumps into his bed.

'We don't like it when you are moping, so I'm sleeping with you tonight.'

Jun feels the need to say _'It's not like that anymore!'_ before realizing that Aiba means just sleeping. He calms down and lets Aiba hug him. The warmth is comfortable and almost right. Aiba's hair is ticklish and he giggles a little before falling asleep.

When the ringing phone wakes him several hours later, Nino has somehow wormed his way into the bed and is hugging him like a squid bent on revenge. He thinks he can hear Ohno's snoring in the other bed. Sho'll probably be angry in the morning unless he's sleeping with Ohno, and that sounds quite likely.

His phone is still ringing and Nino grunts something again and again until Jun finally realizes he's ordering him to reply.

He untangles himself and gets the phone.

'Hello?'

'Uh, hi. Good morning.'

'It's not morning yet,' Jun barks. The sun still has to come out, and he can't believe Kame's called at 3 AM. Sounding completely sober, too.

'Oh, that's right. Goodnight then. Sorry I'm calling so late.'

'Did something happen?'

'Eh, no. I just got home and felt like calling you.'

'Your acting sounds less forced in doramas, and that's quite a feat.'

Nino snorts and Jun covers his mouth with his empty hand.

'I didn't mean to annoy you.'

'It's worse if it's not on purpose.'

Kame doesn't answer, but he doesn't hang up either and Jun vows to kill him once he's back. He's been vowing to do so ever since they first slept together.

'I'm not into awkward silences, Kame. Did you want to tell me anything at all?'

'Uh. How's the tour going?'

'Tiring, but I'm used to it already.'

He's snappish and tired and it shows on his voice. All he wants is an apology. It's all they need to regain their normalcy, after all. He suspects Kame agrees with him, but he's quite sure neither of them will take the first step.

'Oh.'

So they'll see who loses, who gives in first and that's the only reason Jun doesn't just hang up. He keeps talking, letting some calculated tenderness show.

'And how about you?'

'Hm. Working as always. By the way, did you take one of my T-shirts?'

His calculating mind never works that well in the dead of the night, so he makes a mistake.

'I might be wearing it at the moment,' he says and Nino's laughter is a threat, especially if it's going to be as roaring as it seems, so Jun extricates himself from his bandmates and goes towards the window. He trips several times along the way and Kame sounds worried.

'What the fuck are you doing?'

'Going to the window.'

'Why?'

'Because… the stars are really pretty.'

'If this is a build up to a lame line about the stars being the same everywhere, I may have to go there and punch you in the face.'

'How did you guess?' Jun says, voice dripping with sarcasm. Bickering comes naturally to him; it's a pre-set script that he can follow without thinking too much.

'Because I haven't killed all my neurons.'

'Yet.'

'I've killed enough of them to date you, anyway.'

Apparently, Kame's brain also gets lazy when they're bickering.

'What did you say?'

'That… oh, fuck. Look, it just slipped. I know we're not like that.'

The city stretches unbelievably wide under a still, widening sky where stay-away stars grow farther and farther away every minute.   
They look cold and untouchable, but Jun, for a second, wishes to touch their warmth and feel the heat, despite the distance. He wants to do it even though all their scorching heat leaves behind is ashes.

'It's the truth, Kame, can we stop beating around the bush? You're calling me at 3 AM to apologize. We're dating.'

'I'm not apologizing. I'm not, because this is your fault. All of this is your fault.'

Kame is not blaming him for the argument. He's blaming him for everything: their loneliness, their mistakes, the tour, that one drunken night and probably even global warming.

'OK, it's my fault. Happy now?'

'A little.'

'I should kill you.'

'Maybe.'

'Damn you, Kame. Can you be happy without questioning it for once? We're dating and I'm doing this because I want to. I'm even having this conversation. On the phone. At 3 AM. Believe it or not, I care about this.'

'Then don't sleep with your bandmates while you're away, Jun. Ninomiya's voice is unique.'

'You're paranoid. He's just in the same room, nothing more.'

'Sure?'

'When have I lied to you?'

'You haven't had much chance to do so.'

'I haven't and I won't. Trust me.'

'OK. I'll believe you.'

'You could sound a little bit more convinced.'

'Please don't disappoint me.'

'You're so dramatic.'

'Sorry, sorry, I know, I'll try to stop.'

'Don't apologize.' He pauses. 'The stars sure are pretty.'

_They're the same where you are, aren't they?_

'I already told you…'

'I know, I was just joking.'

'Oh.'

'It's too late for jokes I guess. You should go to sleep.'

'You too.'

Jun wonders if they're supposed to do the whole routine where they can't hang up _ even if it's silly and even if they don't miss each other at all- and then realizes that they still have to hang up and are sharing an oddly comforting silence.

'Jun. Tell me when you come back, will you?'

'You don't have to tell me that, I was going to anyway,' he answers and then hangs up, because he's not doing the 'not-hanging-up' routine.

Jun makes his way back to the bed. Both Nino and Aiba are awake. He gets into the bed and holds them tight. He shouldn't feel like he's joining a pirate crew and going in an epic adventure on the high seas, but he does and it's ridiculous. And even if it's just dating and probably going to end soon, the hugs feel final. Ahead lie many lonely nights and the fact that this warmth is nothing compared to what he's missing weighs on his chest as if it were Mount Fuji. His moratorium is finally ending and he can't actually believe that he's welcoming it.


	3. Tonight with You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jun comes back, Kame stares and no bickering occurs.

He's having lunch _ a cheap sandwich with sole-like ham and dry, old cheese- when he gets the mail announcing Jun's coming back on Monday. He hurries out of the room, feeling the weight of AT-TUN's looks on his back. He considers calling, but Jun's sent a mail so why should he? So he ends up just answering with a simple 'OK' and several lines of smilies.

On Monday he wakes up two hours earlier than usual, two hours earlier than needed. He has breakfast and checks the news. Some terrorist attack on some country he knows he'll never have the time to visit and some scandal regarding some Morning Musume. Nothing particularly interesting, nothing particularly distracting.

He spends his whole day working like the drone he is and letting questions slide, fighting off Jin's curiosity and Koki's concern. He never stops staring at his clock and he tells his manager he'll get home on his own, that he doesn't need a car.

The taxi driver is nice enough, fast enough and while they travel through the city -a city that's been feeling like an ambush lately- he calls his mom and tells her he's got a party tonight, that she doesn't need to wait up for him. His mother scoffs but then she wishes him luck. She's too credulous sometimes or so he likes to think.

They get there and he lets the taxi driver keep the change, sending him off with a fake smile. Jun's front door is still where he left it and so is Ninomiya's key. He barely remembers how and when he got it; alcohol has blurred the memories but not the sting he felt when he realized that Ninomiya thought it was natural to have a key to Jun's apartment. He hasn't given it back yet. He's never added it to his key ring either. It stands alone and he always carries it around, because he wants to give it back to Ninomiya. He's just never found the occasion and Jun's never made a fuss about Kame having a key to his apartment, so he always forgets about it.  
The key still works and Kame enters the apartment. Only the kitchen lights are on and silence and a homely smell fill the air.

Jun is wearing his usual, worn apron and Kame decides to bring the one he bought on a whim a few weeks ago next time, since he has no use for it after all. It says 'World's Bestest Chef' and Kame thinks something's wrong with the English, but in fact he's way more concerned about the big sparkly heart on it. He knows Jun doesn't mind sparkles but hearts are a different matter altogether.

He takes off his shoes and walks quietly towards the kitchen. He doesn't speak because something's going to be broken if he does. So he leans on the kitchen counter, a good 30 centimetres away from the world renowned chef and says the most uncompromising thing he can muster.

'Hey.'

It could be said he stole it from Kimura-senpai, but in his eyes Jun's way of half-smiling is nothing short of unique.

'Hey. Tired?'

Kame nods and says nothing.

'Stop staring.'

Kame looks down to his shoes. They're new and expensive and Jun's probably bought them already too. He probably bought them before Kame did. He always does stuff like that.

'Sorry. I was just noticing you cut your hair,' Kame says.

'Like it?'

Jun's hair is tied in a hurried ponytail -he always ties his hair when cooking for other people. Kame nods again and touches a loose strand of hair. It's silky and it seems Jun hasn't changed his shampoo because it still smells like strawberries. Kame doesn't feel like making any other commentary.

Jun takes his hand and fixes his eyes on Kame's.

'I was hoping you would.'

Immediately afterwards, he lets Kame's hand go as if it was Ninomiya's old underwear and focuses again on the food, turning his back to Kame again.

Silence grows steadier and stronger and it's like a stand-off.

The air almost hurts in Kame's chest and he feels guilty, because he'd rather eat Jun's latest unpronounceable dish and not his mother's home cooking. He'd rather be here, just staring at him, instead of on a stage, being the sole king of the world for the three minutes his solo lasts and one in six _ one in two - kings of the world the rest of the concert.

He slowly gets closer but still stays away. His eyes follow Jun's hands as they cut and chop and squash and move. The elegance is breathtaking and Kame briefly wonders if he might be a closet hand fetishist. He quickly discards the idea when his eyes wander to Jun's neck and then to Jun's frowned brow then down to his lips. The things he does with his tongue on concerts _ which everybody notices, not just him- are not just for show and Kame stifles a laugh. They're probably a measure of his concentration. A stupidly sexy measure of his concentration.

He could lose track of time if only he had to do is stare at Jun. but Jun suddenly jolts and turns off the stove.

'It's not like we need to eat,' he says and Kame suddenly hits the wall, eyes wide open in surprise.

Jun's teeth are against his and the jean's fabric hurts Kame. There are elbows where there shouldn't be and Jun is grinding hard against him, his fingers leaving red marks all over Kame's back and now he feels the cold of the fridge in his now exposed back and he has never grunted like this.

Jun stops again and Kame is left alone, his flesh craving more. He slowly regains his breath, expectations hanging in the air.

'Turn around. Now,' Jun orders in a husky voice Kame is sure no fan has ever heard. A voice nobody but him should ever hear.

It hits him deep and he complies without even thinking and fuck, it hurts and Jun is biting him harder than ever but Jun's arms are around him now and he feels Jun's hand around his cock and moans louder and louder and the sensation that's making his knees shaky and his legs wobbly is mostly pain with just a little pleasure thrown in but he doesn't care because it's pure, simple, undiluted Jun.

It ends quickly but the urge to just be closer is still there. Kame grips Jun's arms and breathes hard. They smell like fresh soap and musky cologne and sweat and Kame takes it in and then feels like a creep. His whole body relaxes, letting all the accumulated tension _ the tension he didn't know was accumulating and making his head ache and even worse- out. Jun's still panting against Kame's shoulders, but he hugs Kame tighter and holds him steady so Kame rests his weight on Jun's body. A stupidly satisfied smile is growing in Kame's face and he closes his eyes and his mouth because he doesn't want to miss this instant.

Kame knows that it's this precise moment when stupid things that are better left unsaid are blurted out. He can feel it trying to claw his way out of him, like a payphone ringing in the dead of the night or a SOS signal from a ghost ship, a signal best left unanswered. He swallows and says nothing. He lets himself loose and can feel Jun flinch. He turns around and presses his forehead against Jun's. Maybe even if he doesn't talk, even if silence is all he ever brings to the table, maybe they still can make it.

He shuts his eyes and starts kissing Jun as it they might not wake up tomorrow. Maybe -despite being the most preposterous match life could have fathom- they have a chance in Hell.

'We're going to starve,' Jun mumbles.

So he's confused and scared, but tomorrow is a new day and he can try harder. Yesterday has almost faded too and weighs less and less.

'Who cares,' he says and Jun starts dragging him to the sofa.

And, maybe, just maybe, today is enough.


End file.
